I’ve had a blog wobble.
It may have been apparent since I’ve broken my silent post-once-a-day resolution.
I’ve had some internal musing to do and a bit of friend sounding board to try. I think I knew my position logically and rationally but was waiting for my emotions to catch up. Over tea my friend Erika says my instinctive creature brain has retreated to its cave to process the morass of feelings. I like this image, I see my internal child having a few tantrums, breaking some stuff, having a nap, letting the cogs turn.
Without meaning to be mysterious (not my usual remit at all, over sharer as I am) I am doing my best to tread lightly as this is not just my tangled tale. Suffice it to say a seemingly light yet maliciously intentioned comment reminded me I was exposing my life and my children to the world. I felt vulnerable and reverted to an acquired pattern of fearful behavior.
The presence of your eyes here make me feel slightly stilted and self conscious. (No, no – not yours. His.) That, I’m sure will pass. What pleases me immensely today after some much overdue self-examination is that it has revealed that I am no longer afraid of this in any way. It turns out that my extended family’s feelings do not measure up with the need to protect and succor my own children. The only people I truly felt I needed to protect have long since departed this mortal coil. So your constant pushing of the issue and sheet-over-the-head power-hungry bogeyman behavior has backfired in that I will not hesitate to tell and pursue a restraining order if you continue to intrude into my life and the life of my partner and children.
It turns out that the legacy and burden of guilt I’ve been lugging around has dispersed. Despite set backs I can say (and believe – that’s the hard bit) that I have nothing to feel guilty about here. (Have no fear reader I still have plenty of guilt for other stuff – *turns to see daughter engrossed in cbeebies as her mother selfishly examines her phsyce in front of the PC…and it’s a lovely day* Gah )
I have no secrets from the people I love the most – and through the last few years of hard work I have faith, trust and confidence in the love of the people who do not know so you are the only one who has anything to lose now. So, frankly, I suggest you fuck off and attempt to sort yourself out, if there is anything left worth salvaging.
If you can’t resist continuing to lurk about here – feel free. I couldn’t give a flying fuck. Please do enjoy peering at my wonderful, amazing, happy and secure children. Do see the beautiful things that abound in my life and my whole-hearted joy in them. Read about the incredible, varied, talented circle of friends I share time with because we like each other. Marvel at my pleasure in this exciting new blogging adventure that enhances my days. See how complete and genuinely happy my moments are despite my damaged and flawed nature. Then crawl back to whatever miserable noisy hostel or fly speckled bed sit you call home at the moment. Perhaps you’ll find some solace at the bottom of a bottle of value whisky. Perhaps you won’t. What a shame your own children loathe you and don’t want you in their lives, what a shame you are unable to keep up any kind of relationship with another human being. That the friends you make only last ’til closing time or when the cash runs out. And that’s all before they hear my story.
What a pity I couldn’t give a rats arse.