Happy Birthday

Dear Zeph

Well, now you are nine.

I’ll admit to being slightly surprised by this as the night your Dad and I stood outside our flat waiting for a taxi to the hospital seems like only yesterday. The wind was whipping the trees around and the pub down the road was having one of its loud lock ins but it seemed completely still and deserted inside my bubble, poised as I was on the lip of a new life.

Looking at you I am amazed that you once fitted inside me – more than your lengthening limbs and broadening shoulders – your huge questions, limitless dreaming and the constant laughing and shouting and talking make it hard to imagine you budding and unfurling under my heart.

You are so very present in your moment.  Clever, wonderful, fantastic, kind and mysterious boy. I wish a million things for your future darling. I still have to remind myself not to grip you so tightly.

 It made me so glad when you picked a day out with us over a birthday party this year.  Just as I get a thrill every time you choose to take my hand as we walk along. I appreciate every  spontaneous cuddle and hug, I hope you stay as unaffectedly affectionate and loving.

 Secretly I’m jealous of every other call on your attention and interest. Your new other lives grow and pull away from us like lengthening afternoon shadows. I remind myself every day to give you the room you need to be your own person, to have faith in your resourcefulness and values and the need for you to learn your own lessons.  

It’s not easy and I know I get lots of stuff wrong but every mistake I make is suffused with love and good intentions. I am flawed but who isn’t? You make me very proud Zeph. You, your sister and your father are the very best decisions I ever made. Thank you for changing my life. I remember the first time we looked into each other eyes. You were a crumpled blue tinged goblin clutching my finger and your eyes were huge – limpid navy pools of knowingness. You seemed so sure and otherworldly. I felt the click in my head as something shifted – immense and surely as the restless turning of a teutonic plate. I love my new landscape. 

 It was a great birthday.

Love

Mum xxxxxxx

cake

 

I think families are pretty amazing. Infuriating, suffocating, unreasonable sometimes traumatic and damaging but then sometimes – just amazing. Had a really happy family day today and am reminded to count my blessings. (and the silver teaspoons once they’re gone…only joking guys)

(What do you mean Asda teaspoons, 38p for 4, aren’t sterling silver?)

My daughter has had another wonderful, centre-of-attention, lots of chocolate kind of day and has gone to sleep troubled only by the thought there may be a dinosaur under the cot. I wish that was the extent of my night time worrying.

Owl-tastic

and this is what happens when you turn your back…

Birthday girl

I’m officially wiped out – disco really takes it out of you.. about to have a piece of the cake with a cup of tea… mmmm

I am feeling really happy. Normally I find children’s parties unbearably exhausting for a variety of complicated v. poor mental health reasons but this one was all friends and their children and hence – just lovely and laid back. Well actually quite loud and chaotic but in a non stressful way. I am a bit jittery after having to judge some games like musical statues…it’s their little hopeful faces – how can you declare anyone out? I always end up rewarding everyone which infuriates them because, lets face it , kids are savages – competitive ones.

I plan to renew sewing tomorrow with a vengeance – I will finish Idas dress. I’ve made plans with some of my friends tonight to make clothes for the kids together. We have an informal sewing group with the kids after school on  tuesdays and we’re going to do some clothes next – Zeph wants me to make him a waistcoat and I’ve had a lovely pinafore pattern in Ida’s size since she was born. Feel optimistic – nothing like doing a new thing with someone else to make you actually do it – and complete it.

That’s it – can write no more – the call of the cake is too strong!